I Feel It All

Now i understand it. We love to think that the most influential people on earth that changes us deeply are those that you don't know, say, like maybe the guy who reached the top of Everest or fought against injustice which splashes across the tabloids and the list goes on.

Yet, the most influential people are our parents.

It slowly runs through my mind. Why we need parents to born into this world and not just popped out from a bubble in the middle of air. They are the one who shaped me and damaged me so i'll grow up imperfect.

I realised my mum longed to feel protected and my dad somehow felt horrible for not able to preserve our family the way he want it to be. I guess it stemmed from my 3rd brother. 

Angry on how he watched my brother slowly morphing into someone whom he once was. And through that i saw my dad turning into my grandfather, someone he felt bitter against.

Its scary on how history teaches us lessons; so brutal and so honest that it hit the core.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that i was confronted by God. 

I was stirred and shaken, something was welling up inside of me. I cried.

Yet, when i woke up from the dream, where is my cry? My brackish tears barely even filled up my eyes.

I don't need the strength to fight. I just need the strength to protect. My family, friends and those whom i desired to protect.

Ironically, i left myself vulnerable. 

But i'll find myself in time.

Because time is not what i think.

"Am i faithful?

 Am i strong?

 Am i good enough to belong

 in your reverie a perfect girl?"

 Sarah MacLachlan, Perfect Girl