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I think if I'm angry then that means there's a source for it. Yet, I just can't seem to find it. It's like a small parasite etched within and eating me from inside. All I can do is just thrash around with pain, making a scene while the rest of my friends wonder what's going on with me.

I prefer to bottle up my emotions. It is safer that way. People used to coax me to let it out, claiming they can understand, they can handle it. They don't and they can't. In the end, they just conveniently brush me off. And I'm thrashing more violently than ever with all those emotions that has ran amok.

I hate to complain. Coming from a comfortable middle class family, people constantly expecting me to whine at every vexations. Truth is, I don't have that right. The image of individuals facing a more challenging situation always throw me back. It felt as if someone is shaming and lashing at my face, and soon I'm pushed in deeper into my shell. 

Sometimes, I felt as if I don't have the right to be myself. I'm just being consumed slowly by an unknown that has known me so well.

Ph: Julius Kensan

"There in the midst of it,
 so alive and alone.
 Words support like bone."


 Fever Ray, Mercy Street.

41° 17′ 0″ S, 174° 27′ 0″ E

I wish I can fill up a bathtub with hot water on a lonely day. A day when my thoughts of you are too wild to be tame. Holding my breath and immersing myself totally in the water.

When I get up, I'll be across the ocean, the continent and in your bathroom. Defying logic and sense. Steadily, walking across the cold marble floor and pressing my ear against the door. Hearing you getting ready; the clicking of your watch and two quick spray of your favourite perfume while conversing on the phone, presumably with your employee, telling him/her you'll be right there as soon as possible.

Biting my lips while slowly turning the door knob, I try to peek across the room and fix my gaze on the view of your back as much as the gap allows me to. Mouthing, 'I miss you' when you walk out the door. Outside on the driveway, the engine starts to purr and the sound diminishing bit by bit as the seconds go by.

I walk out the bathroom, filling my lungs with the smell of your room. It smells of you. The chilly air bites into my unclothed body, raising an army of goose bumps. I clench my teeth, trying to keep myself from shivering. Your comb catches my attention, where a few strands of hair sticks out like insect feelers. Without any hesitation, I run it across my wet hair and at the same time spraying a generous amount of your perfume onto my neck.

I know your cat is lying underneath your bed. She is scratching on the carpet floor as I open up your closet, as if to gently protest against my action. I know what I'm looking for there, a white Diesel jacket with blue woolen hoodie. I try to remember the order. It was 7th from the left.

With leisure steps, I dance with it. Twirl around and round until I collapse onto your bed. The sleeves of your jacket entwine me like a boa constrictor, unwilling to let go.

I lose track of the time, spending the entire time staring into the ceiling and your cat, walking in and out of the room. In a twinkling of an eye, darkness creeps into the room, reminding me I have not much time left.

A sudden swirl of light across the window jolts me up. You are back. I hastily place your jacket back into the closet, making sure everything is the way it was before you left and step into the bathroom. 

I lie in the bathtub, as still as a corpse, listening to you dragging your feet across the floor and the meow of your cat when you call out to her. I wonder how long will I have to do this, sneaking around the nostalgia between you and me. Yet, I know one day we will meet and be thrown into an unbridled pit of passion frenzy again.

This thought woke me up. Sometimes it fills me with nothing but misery. However, for once, it was euphoric and I didn't bother about this anchor in my heart.

Rene Magritte, The Lovers

"Nine fifteen, then I'm done.
 Quiet front seat, then drive around.
 Through the water, through the snow."


 Fever Ray, Now's The Only Time I Know.

Make Way Bitches, Miss Fox's Here To Stay.

Still remember Nicole Fox from America's Next Top Model Cycle 13? Well, just when you thought she would disappear completely in the Fashion world just like others previous cycles winners, Nicole proves us wrong.

Ph: Kathryna Hancock

Stylist: Thomas Anderson

Hair/Makeup: Junita Lyon @ Celestine Agency

Model: Nicole Fox @ Wilhelmina

I hope this sweetheart would go on to book impressive editorials and campaigns with big-names photographers. Maybe not with Uncle Terry, yea?

"One thing I know for certain.

 I'm pretty sure.

 It ain't over.

 I'm not done."

 Fever Ray, I'm Not Done.

Stranger Than Kindness.

Fever Ray's 'Stranger Than Kindness' music video makes me wanna have nightmares to keep myself awake during the day.

"Night was so long,

the day even longer.

Lay down for awhile,

recollect."

Fever Ray, Triangle Walks.

Maybe It's Just Narcissism.

Millions of people out there, especially the teenagers definitely haven't heard of Karin Dreijer Andersson alias Fever Ray. And i guess that's why they're going so 'gaga' over Lady Gaga.

And i'm having it up to my head when everywhere that i go, all i can hear is about Lady Gaga. If they think that Lady Gaga is so original in terms of her music video and wardrobe then they definitely have to crack their head and think again. This one half of The Knife has so much more to offer in terms of art and culture that will definitely remain timeless.

Here's Fever Ray with her 'skeleton teeth' make-up for If I had A Heart music video. Who says Lady Gaga is the only one worth imitating for your Halloween night?

She even went further and has her face painted like a Tribal Princess while most of the people out there gushed about Lady Gaga's paint splattered face.

In terms of clothing, do you still think Lady Gaga has the weirdest outfit of them all?

Fever Ray was actually birthed from the fact that her band, The Knife was getting so much exposure in the music industry that she decided to take a break and return again as a solo artist under a new name. The band was notorious for rejecting interviews and refused to perform live. Thus is the peculiar trait of Karin, shunning away from the limelight.

Still, i know that by talking about her, i'd be going against her wish to be so exposed by the media. However, i reckoned that Fever Ray's music is like a strict territory that one might find it difficult to get in.

Of course, it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain to you guys why Lady Gaga was considerably over-rated, would i?

Sometimes, i don't understand the concept of her music video. Her songs are actually easy to understand with her simple lyrics but yet the storyline is atrocious. Half of the time, i'm trying to figure out what exactly she's trying to say. It seems like the video is nothing other than parading around in the latest runway outfit with a face that says, "Look bitches, i'm got it faster than Carine Roitfeld do."

Actually, i'd love her if she wasn't this commercialized. Honestly, the music felt as if i'm eating a food that has been touched, licked, bit and stepped upon, where at the end of the day, all i get is something that is impersonal.

I know i'm fighting a lone war against everyone's love for Lady Gaga. Heck, even famed stylist Nicola Formichetti and much adored Grace Coddington were gushing about her. So there's no wonder that she's appeared in most of the fashion magazine.

I've heard a lot of comments from my friends that the cover of her Fame Monster was incredible. Of course, it is. It is shot by Hedi Slimane, for God's sake, for those who are too ignorant to know.

Still, i have to stress that all these rants are not because i hate Lady Gaga. In fact, i find her sweet especially where she ordered pizzas for thousands of her fans who queued up to see her and the song 'Speechless' was written to convince her dad to go for an crucial surgery.

To me, Lady Gaga was just too over-rated.

I know, you guys might find all my raving with anything that has to do with Bjork over-rated too. Like her magazine cover on Rolling Stone and Interview a few months back. Still, she did all this without being pompous at all.

So i guess, in the end the only to blame for all this is Commercialism itself.

All pictures taken from Google Image

DEATH TO COMMERCIALISM!

For those of you who are still bitter and think that i'm picking on your beloved Lady Gaga, please write another article or post to counter me back. i could do without stupid comments like "F*** You' , 'You can suck my d***' or what have you. Thank You.

"Lick, lick, lick

my art tit.

Suck, suck, suck

my art hole."

CSS, Art Bitch.

Tell It With A Fist?

Sometimes i feel kind of left out, even with friends around. I do joke around and always get tagged in the facebook for being the funny one.

But its my mind that contradicts what my body's behaving most of the time. Like trying to destroy the image that i'm building on. There is this certain imagination that never stop ticking even when i'm walking, eating or talking.

Its a torture... because it got so downright disturbing even for me. Like when someone is telling me something, i'll be tempted to give them a hard punch or a kick so hard just to see how they'll react to it.

Something random. You get the drift. It happens to almost everyone. If you're thinking of whether i had that thought when you once talked to me then you're probably right.

I'm kind of getting nervous for the session on next monday. I'm not sure how should i phrase it or where should i start. I'm anxious about his answers, hopefully something will make sense.

The Sea Of Silence, 2009, production still

But.. you know.. i like to write poems. I feel so content. Its like encapsulating a certain emotion in a bubble. So fragile. So surreal.

Because its just a matter of time before it'll burst.

"Can i come over?

I need to rest.

Lay down for awhile.

Disconnect."

Fever Ray, Triangle Walks.

Memory Comes When Memory's Old

There will be like one more week before i'll be going back to Singapore.

The thoughts of returning to Singapore filled me with dread. Of course, its not because of the people (I have lots of great and wonderful friends there) but its the stress and fast paced life of a developed country.

Sometimes, i forgot how blessed and fortunate i am, up until i got back to my hometown because over at Singapore there are like internet everywhere and endless supply of clean water and electricity in Singapore.

Over at my house, we have two wells. So we don't have to pay water bills, just the electricity. Everyday, the water will be pumped and filtered by this big white box and right into our house which will be used to drink, bath and clean our butts after answering nature's call. However, the downturn is that the well dries up whenever there's no rain.

One morning, i went to the kitchen and my grandpa told me that we were running out of water because there hasn't been any rain lately. The water is only enough to last us for few days. I'm like panicked.

I told my mum and she said that we could just buy those 1.5 L mineral water to drink. Its still not that bad isn't it? To think that kids at other poor developing countries and even in my country itself do not have sufficient supply of clean water and its not like they can afford buying clean water to drink everyday.

Kids over at Singapore these days have such a sheltered life. They have maids or parents to pick up after whatever mess they've done and complain over every single things.

Maybe leading a frugal life wasn't that bad after all.

I still remember when i was young, me and this childhood friend of mine will like have to protect ourselves against 'barbaric bullies' by studying real hard so they'll come over to us for help about homework (sort of like those protection fees) and getting chased by dogs while playing tag.

Come to think of it, i have more life when i was young!

Even my dog too. He suffered from stroke last month and got better by itself with no apparent reason. He can even run towards me now when i offer those leftover chicken bones from dinner that i had.

Ph: Hedi Slimane

"A lot of hope in one man tent.

There's no room for innocence.

So take me home before the storm.

Velvet mites will keep us warm."

Fever Ray, Keep The Streets Empty For Me.

You're just one stomach flu away from your goal weight.

A year ago, i would have jump on a buffet spree whenever someone told me that i'm skinny. But, when i come to think of it now, who cares? 

I don't blame them though, its definitely easier to tell someone that he/she is skinny instead of fat. And i think, they're probably just jealous.

Ph: Jak&Jil

So imagine my ecstasy when i saw this picture from Jak&Jil. That slim silhouette and long legs which were brought to perfection with the perfect boots and effortless gait;There's definitely nothing wrong in being skinny. Even Karl Lagerfeld has to slim down to fit into outfits from Dior Homme. 

With the ever shrinking silhouette in the current seasons of womenswear and menswear where most of the pieces are focused on the waist and legs, there is only one and sure way to look good.

Be thin.

"Stands outside my window.

 Sucking on the berries and

 eats us out of house and home.

 Keeping us awake."

 Fever Ray, Triangle Walks.

Leave Me Alone

Past week has been weird. It's like i'm having my second puberty again. I've been eating non-stop; five big meals a day. Not that its not a good thing, i'm in need of putting on some weight. But, who am i kidding? All of the food that i ate will be stored in what? The tip of my toe? Plus, it has taken a toll on my allowance as well.

Holiday supposed to be a relaxing moment for me, instead i'm uptight all the time. My sleeping hours are lost in the space and how am i able to sleep well anyway? Since there has been thunderstorm, or should i say THUNDERstorm during the dawn for the past few days. I've been losing my self-esteem and now i can feel my appetite starting to decrease in size along with my need to talk.

I just want to isolate myself for a little bit more. Encase myself in my own capsule. Write a few poems, avoid the stares of others and sleep with blanket pull up to my chin. 

Ph: Hedi Slimane

"Dry and dusty,

 i am a capsule of energy.

 You speak softly,

 we are capsule of energy."

 Fever Ray, Dry And Dusty.

Its In The Chinese

For those of you who are not from Singapore, please bear for a while with me because i'm going to talk a little about something 'Singaporean'.

As most of us have know, there is this forum called Stomp in Singapore where you are able to post anything unusual or interesting thats happening around the island. However, most of the time, the things that they posted up are about the ugly behaviour of people in the public.

Sure, its good to raise some awareness but they have gotten a little bit to far at times. It has becoming like a platform where people judged and shamed others for what they've done. Its just too much to bear. For example, i don't need to know if bookshop is blasting loud music or teenagers these days are kissing in the public.

Seriously, why are they so nosey about those stuffs anyway? I'm sure those people who took those down are around working adults age group and i'm pretty sure that they're open-minded people; then why took those stuffs down as if they've been living in the cave for the past five years? 

Thats why we chinese are the best paparazzi in the world. Accuse me of being a stereotype if you want. I just feel that chinese are the most suitable for the job. Just look at those who are in Hong Kong. They are the best paparazzi in the world. Those in the US are not even close. They're so good that sometimes i think they must have been belong to a spy organisation and those pictures they took on celebrities are just extra commission that they earn along the way. Aww~ such an inquisitive group, don't you think? Yes, be very afraid of the nosey chinese.

Even my neighbours will be qualified to be one because they would like to know why this person living a few houses down the road has been home late often or stood around to snap pictures of fallen tree in the empty field. 

Sometimes, you just can't help but be proud of being a chinese.

"When i grow up,

 i want to be a forester,

 running through the moss 

 on high heels."

 Fever Ray, When I Grow Up.

A Box Of Promises

I'm pretty much patient with most of stuffs ( or at least a few ). 

However, i can't stand those people who leave you hanging up on air, without giving you any sense of closure at all.

Its VERY annoying when they led you somewhere full with promises and then went away without any words. Promises are very appealing but make sure you open it before taking, because you might just find it empty.

I can't be bothered anymore, if you continue to be like that, go ahead and carve that stone of happiness alone.

Ph: Hedi Slimane

"Memory comes when memory's old.

 I am never the first to know.

 Following the stream up north.

 Where do people like us float."

 Fever ray, Keep The Streets Empty For Me.