These days, it felt as if I'm not keeping up with time. It's like being in a subway, I'm as still as can be and yet I'm helpless with how fast it travels to my next destination. It frustrates me that when I looked out, all I see is blur passing image of concrete. I'm incapable of doing anything to slow it down, other than to arrive at the next stop.
I guess that's why I have strong urge to see myself in a third person's view. An eye, a camera that follows me whenever i go, to see every singles moves, every single display of emotions and the look of my eyes when I'm in static. Like a short trailer of a movie that was never made in the first place.
I just want to believe that everything was already pre-planned like a short well-directed film.
I walked home alone. I jumped into a pool. I laughed. I'm slept soundly. I yelled. I took a poetic steps towards the traffic lights. I gasped at the cold shower. I felled. I lied. I ate by the window sill. I clapped. I sang.
So that by watching myself, I'll turn myself into an object. I'll be able to reinforce who I really am and to acknowledge all of what I've saw, which truly belong to me. And so, by watching myself, I knew why I did what I did. A sense of relief, that for temporarily, it's alright to rest at the bank of time and watch it flows pass me.
Ph: Hedi Slimane
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Max Richter, Infra 4.
