Pause the Tragic Ending.

It seems to me that people who dabble in art are most likely to end up with a tragic ending. It doesn't matter on how talented you are, how well received you are, somehow their life ended up in a way that made it so hard for me to believe.






Vincent Willem van Gogh was a Dutch Post-Impressionist artist. His paintings and drawings are some of the world's best known, most popular and most expensive pieces. His works are outstandingly impressive, like the Potato Eaters and Starry Night Over The Rhone which are one of the few pieces that i wish i could own. His father was a minister in church and van Gogh served was even once a preacher.


Yet, all was dashed due to his amorous disappointments and mental illness struck him in the later part of hs life. He cut of his lower part of his left ear lobe and in the end killed himself by shooting his chest with a revolver.

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde or better known as Oscar Wilde was a celebrated playwright, poet and author of his time. He is known to be witty and a handful of famous quotes came from him. However, he was discriminalised for being gay and jailed. After the release, he fell into depression and finally died of cerebral meningitis.

Everyone might have heard of him, he is Andy Warhol, the father of pop art. Everything that is related to the art industry, he has dabbled in most of them from painter to record producer. His works are thought provoking and pushed the boundary of art during his time. He has so many achievements that i can't even contain all of them here. Despite of the glory, he died of cardiac arrhythmia during his gall bladder surgery.

Why? It seemed unfair at times, especially van Gogh, he was supposed to be leading a good life. A faithful servant to God and blessed with incredible talents in painting and drawing. Yet, have to suffered and perished in his own hand. So do we all artist have to pay the price for the talent that we have someday?

Chardonnay, i love you especially today.

Last night, before i went to bed, i made a small little prayer, a small little request to the Lord.

"Lord, if tonight i were to have a dream. Won't you be so kind to take me somewhere? A plain or something, where it is so vast and empty, so that i could scream and cry at my heart content. Thank you Lord. Amen."

Well, it didn't came true but still He gave me something before i really fell asleep.

In a densely populated country like Singapore, I CAN'T SHOUT AND SCREAM TO MY HEART CONTENT!

I think i need chardonnay. Won't you be with me tonight? I love you especially today, the redder you are, the better it is.

"Rose, i love you especially today.

  Rose, i love your delicate way."

  The Feeling, Rose

Instinct

I asked myself on whether i'm alright, because you can't be the one i adore.

Daion told me i should take it as a compliment since he might has seen me as a competitor... Really?

Somehow i wish that that is not the case,
so the grip will be looser.
Somehow, i wish i have not erased the messages.
Now, i have nothing to look upon.
Now, i have nothing to taste upon.

This is crazy; They asked me on how can i be so sure? But my instinct has never failed me. I know that i know and i recognised the destined one.

Yet, what can i do? What can i really do? I have always come in second in everything that i do, in everything that i have. If my life is pulling a joke on me, then all i can say is 'Well Done'. It started out as funny, then a little jinxed and ended with a misery.



"I really thought i was okay,
i really thought i was just fine.
But when i woke up this time.
There is nothing that could take me back to sleep,
to take you off my mind... this time."

Rachael Yamagata, Over and over

The Value Of Sin

Someone from the church once shared this revelation to me.

He said,"There is no small sin or big sin. All of them are the same when you sinned."

I carried this revelation with me all the time. I personally think it was true, it makes sense to me. Now? Maybe not anymore. Or at least in the human's perspective.

So, if in between me lying to someone and me murdering someone were the same then why are there different punishments for both? Of course, i would get lighter sentence for lying or even none but when it comes to murder, i'd probably get a death sentence.

Isn't it suppose to weigh the same?

If so, what's with the different treatment?

Then again, to God, the price of sin is death. So i guess, after all, everything does end up the same, or does it? Am i dissecting the value of sin just so i can appear more dignified beside a murderer in front of God? Honestly, i do. However, the guilt that i carry is no difference than that of a murderer's.



"Watch, i can flash across the sky,
a lightning bolt from up on high,
and i can crash into myself."

Laura Veirs, Icebound Stream

The Unknown Lark

Ever wonder on who you might have meet when you missed that very train? Be it when you're rushing for school, work or appointment. You might have meet that very person, that special someone who is destined to be your closest friend or life partner.

If only you have cut down the time on styling your hair, snoozing or checking your email before leaving your house, you might have get the chance to meet that person.

That sudden rush of blood to the head, electrified eye contacts and fidgeting hands... To me, that's one of the few beauties of taking public transport. The chances of meeting people who you'll see only once in your lifetime. For some, i saw them a few times whenever i took the train and read stories from their faces.

Oh well, just one of my fantasies whenever i'm alone travelling. The need to reach out, to copulate, to understand are so strong yet all of this is done within my fantasy. My tutorial lecturer once shared that the relationship within fantasy is always better than the reality. I can't help but to agree.




"We slept in the shadow of the cedar tree,
we made love on the rising tide.
We smelled the perfume of the waxing moon,
we dreamt of all friendships kind."

Laura Veirs, Don't lose yourself

I heart Rachael Yamagata

I have not been so tired in my life before. That rush to complete something just overwhelmed you so much. Encapsulated you entirely, gasping for air without any time left for myself.


Its funny because i'm so caught up with my work and yet able to feel lonely when i get home. Well, of course, its not really a home, because its just a pathetic space rented for me to sleep and temporary rest. I want to go home, the real home, back in Indonesia, back to those arms of my loved ones. Those arms have been growing tired, waiting for me.




I bought Rachael Yamagata's latest album on the sunday!





I was so esctatic when i saw her newest album, Elephants... Teeth sinking into heart! I have been waiting for so long for it, ever since her first debut album, Happenstance. I totally love it and heart it, i'll even give it 4/5. Call me bias, but it is that good. Though, i might have to go hungry for the rest of November because i'm so broke now.



"So for those of you falling in love,
keep it kind,
keep it good,
keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger,
but keep one eye open at night."

Rachael Yamagata, Elephants.

Melancholy Drug.

It got better now, i guess... Less scared, less worried...

I guess what i once wrote was true, "Lord might have a plan, teaching me lesson through pain.".

Still, i miss my family... miss my old bed, that nostalgic rusted window holder, Mama's warm, Papa's optimism, Grandma's smell and Grandpa's wrinkles.

Now, i guess i'll have lesser chance to go back as i grow older... New responsibilities and new lifes unfold at each steps.

I just took my medicine and it said 'may cause drowsiness' which is wrong because it does caused drowsiness everytime i took it.

I love to be aided when sleeping; a nice hug, a good blanket and medicine that induce drowsiness (only when i'm sick). Maybe that's why people are addicted to drugs? Why should i ask this anyway?

The effects are kicking in and it certainly help when you're listening to Bjork at the same time.

Heartbeats gets slower, muscles relaxes and breath count drops... I'm falling asleep... I miss my family...